ettiquette

You don’t have to follow tradition when it comes to wedding etiquette but there are certain rules of engagement that shouldn’t be overlooked.

Photo: Icon Pictures

• When proposing, who should you ask first, the love of your life or her father? It’s no longer necessary for a man to ask his prospective father in law for the daughter's hand in marriage, but the bride’s parents should be told first, as a courtesy, especially since in many cases they’re the ones who will pay for the wedding.

• You’ve said ‘yes!’ and are now engaged to be married. Who should know first? If it’s a first marriage, then it's important that the bride's family is the first to be told, and then the groom’s parents. But, if either of the engaged couple is widowed or divorced, then it’s wise to make sure that any children from either parent are told first. Former parents-in-law should know of this union to be, especially if children (i.e. the in laws grandchildren) are involved. Many older people become distressed if they find out about an engagement through hearsay or worse, the newspaper. The best way to tell children and close family is face to face. Children need to be given time to take this news on board and should be told separately from grandparents or other relatives, particularly if you feel they may have some difficulty in accepting the news. If the family is separated by distance, then depending on the age of the children, a note or a phone call is the best way to inform then. A luncheon or dinner party can be an excellent way of gathering the rest of the family and close friends together to make the announcement to them all at once. If you include both sides of the family, it’s also a great way for everyone to meet before the wedding. An announcement in the newspaper is usually done by the bride’s parents or by the bride herself if there are no parents involved.

• The wedding invitation is next on the agenda. How should it be worded? In a traditional situation of the bride’s parents hosting their daughters wedding, the invitations go out in their name but if they’re deceased or divorced, then the invitation goes out in the name of the person who has taken the role of the host, for example, godmother, older sister, grandparents, the parents of the groom, or the bride herself. If the bride and bridegroom have had previous marriages and only a small number of people are invited to the second wedding, they may choose to eliminate formal invitations and contact the guests personally through a note of telephone call. Since invitations should go out about six weeks before the wedding, the date for the RSVP (respondez s’il vous plait, i.e. reply if you please) should be chosen to give you time to ask others if some of your first choice guests can’t attend.

• What information should be on the wedding invitation? Sample formal wedding invitation: John and Mary Smith request the pleasure of the company of …………………………. at the wedding of their daughter, Margaret Jane to Anthony Johnson at St Mark’s Church, Ascot on Wednesday 16 July at 6.00pm and afterwards at The Sheraton Brisbane Hotel & Towers, 249 Turbot Street, Brisbane. Dress: black tie.  RSVP 2 July 2007, 2117 The Crest, Sanctuary Cove 4212. Note: When you see an address beside the RSVP it means you reply in writing.

• How do you broach the gift registry? Gift lists can either be included in the wedding invitation, or the name of a major department store given which has the gift list on record, or you can even post your gift list on the internet! Some older people may be offended but for busy working women, country or interstate guests, being able to ring a store and have a list of gifts emailed to them avoids the bride receiving six woks. Stores will gift wrap and deliver to the bride’s home making the exercise very easy for everyone concerned, Gifts should never be sent to the groom’s home nor handed to the couple at either the service or the reception. Remember even if you don ‘t go to the wedding, it’s customary to send a gift.

• From bridal gifts to the reception and who should pay for what? A wedding need not be extremely expensive; it will depend on the length of your purse strings, and you would be very foolish indeed to go into debt to have an elaborate wedding. Many weddings are still costly but traditionally the bride’s parent’s arrange both the wedding and the reception. They pay for the day and just about everything that goes into making it. This traditional arrangement is frequently modified today and the parents of the groom may well offer to contribute in some or even pay half. Only pre-wedding discussion can establish this.

• What should the bride’s family pay for? The bride’s family will usually pay for; hire of a venue, hotel or reception house; caterers; drinks; the wedding cake; flowers for the church, reception and bridesmaid; bouquets; car hire from bride’s home to the ceremony and from the ceremony to the reception house, or hotel, unless this is one of the items that the groom or his parents have suggested they pay for; the organist, choir or soloist at the ceremony itself; the music at the reception (band or DJ); the printing and mailing of the wedding invitations; any newspaper announcements; both engagement and wedding photographs.

• What should the groom’s family pay for? Traditionally the groom’s family has not been involved, but in recent years, it has become common practice for the groom’s parents to either pay for the purchase of liquor for the night, pay the cost of all music at the reception or, in some cases offer to pay half of the reception costs - particularly if they have an extended family and know they will be inviting more than half of the guests.

• What should the groom pay for? The groom would usually pay for: any church fees, the bride’s wedding ring; the bride’s bouquet; a wedding gift for the bride; button hole flowers for himself, his best man and the ushers; the marriage licence; transport from the ceremony to the reception house or hotel; corsages for his mother and the bride’s mother; gifts for his attendants, best man, groomsmen and ushers; gifts for the flower girls and pageboys if there are any; and gifts for the bridal attendants or bridesmaids.

• What should the bride pay for? Traditionally, even the bride’s gown was bought by the bride’s parents and some families still prefer to do this, however, depending upon circumstances, many brides today choose to purchase their own gown. Sometimes, the bride may offer to pay for half of each bridesmaid’s dress or dressmaking costs and provide their dress fabric or accessories. If wedding rings are to be exchanged, the bride also pays for the groom’s ring and she will usually buy a gift for the him.

• What does the best man usually pay for? Nothing. The best man’s role is pivotal to the success of the day including, amongst many other duties, being responsible for the wedding rings on the day, reminding everyone to turn off their mobile phones, act as ‘host’ to ensure everyone is enjoying themselves and ensure everyone has transport from the ceremony to the reception. Before the wedding, he is usually the one to organise the groom’s ‘buck’s party’. Make sure you choose someone who can fulfil this very important role - and that he knows what is expected from him!

• What do the bridesmaids pay for? This is very much a matter of finances of all those involved. Customarily, the bride paid for the bridesmaids’ and matron of honour’s dresses and shoes, but today, the cost is often shared. If the bridesmaids do have to pay for their dresses, the decision on the style is also shared so that the bridesmaids can choose a dress that they feel comfortable wearing after the wedding. If the bride insists her attendants wear a distinctive colour or style, and it is something they will not be able to use later, then she should pay for the dress and any accessories required.

• Are bridal showers still in fashion? If a bride is marrying for the first time, showers of any kind are appropriate and add to the excitement of the wedding. These can be ‘themed’ such as a wine cellar, garden, kitchen or linen shower and can be hosted by the mother of the bride or groom, a stepmother, godmother, aunt, sister, best friend or anyone who would like to do so. If however, the bride is not marrying for the first time (and presumably is already ‘set up’) a shower would probably be inappropriate. Sometimes a shower- such as a ‘wine cellar’ shower is an opportunity to be part of the festivities and at the same time, stock up your cellar for months to come!

• When should the bride arrive at the church? It’s probably a good idea for the bride to be a few minutes late to give late guests a chance to arrive and be seated, but not more than say 15 minutes. Guests should also not be kept waiting in the church, synagogue, garden or registry office while photographs are taken. Be aware that churches, celebrants and others involved in the wedding may have other commitments after your wedding.

• Who escorts the bride? It’s still customary for the bride to take her father’s right arm as she walks down the aisle. If the father of the bride is deceased or unable to attend the wedding, a stepfather, godfather, brother, uncle or even close friend can escort the bride down the aisle.

• Where should a second-time around bride get married? For the second, third or ‘who-cares-what-time-around’, where you choose to tie the knot is up to you both. Formality and tradition are not as important and you may like to marry at sea, jumping from a plane, on the beach, underwater or in your own garden. If either party has children from a previous partnership it would be a good idea to invite them to be part of the celebration, but if they prefer not to, make sure to include them on the day in whatever way possible.

• Is a formal receiving line in vogue? Whilst it isn’t necessary to have a formal receiving line at the entrance to the reception venue, it is a very effective way of ensuring that you get to meet and welcome all your guests while in turn, giving them a chance to congratulate the newlywed couple. If the bride’s parents are the official hosts for the day, they would normally stand at the head of the line - the mother first and then the father. After the bride’s parents come the groom’s parents - his mother first and then his father- and then the bride and groom.

• Who should sit where? Seating at the ceremony is simple: the ushers are responsible for seating the bride and groom’s respective family and friends on opposite sides of the church. Seating at the reception however can be enough to make most couples contemplate elopement as a serious option. If Great Aunt Martha can’t stand Great Uncle Herbert, if your parents haven’t seen one another since their divorce, if your friends don’t know his friends, if you’re marrying someone from a different ethnic background and their parents and relatives don’t speak English, (and one of your family speak their language) or your stepparents don’t speak to your birth parents - consider a ‘stand up and move around’ reception. If you must seat your guests, you can either seat all of your bride’s friends and family together and seat the bridegroom’s friends and family together, or, mix them. So with tables of eight you could have two couples from each side of the family at each table. Good Luck!

• Who sits where at the reception? If parents are divorced, it’s usual for the divorced parents to be seated together at the wedding ceremony but to sit with their new partners (if they have them) at the reception hosting their own tables of close relatives and friends. Usually, only the bride and groom and their attendants will sit at the bridal table. The bride and groom would sit in the middle, and working left from the groom would be the best man and groomsmen, while on the right of the bride would be her matron of honour and her other bridesmaids. If there are pageboys and flower girls, depending on their age and how well behaved they are, they are best kept at the table with their parents who can supervise them.

• Are thank-you notes necessary? Thank you notes always were, and still are absolutely essential. They should be written as soon as possible after returning from the honeymoon. Pre-printed cards can be purchased but they are impersonal and leave you no opportunity to sound genuinely thrilled to have received the gift. If money has been given, it isn’t necessary to mention the amount, just thank the giver for their generosity and perhaps mention what you intend to purchase.
  

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• What’s the protocol for speeches? At a formal wedding there would be a toast to the bride and groom by a brother or sister, or close friend of either side of the family, followed by a response by the groom (he would toast the bridesmaids at this time), a response by the best man, a toast to the bride’s parents by a family friend, then a response to this by the father of the bride who might then propose a toast to his new in-laws, the parents of the groom and finally a response by the father of the groom. However, having said that, asking non-professional speakers to speak, (especially if they are buoyed up with alcohol) can be fraught with danger. Tasteless jokes, long-winded tales of little Lucy in her uniform on her first day at Girl Guides and mumbled monologues can send guests outside for a cigarette break even if they don’t smoke. Today, many brides like to say a few words and it is up to the MC to supervise the speakers and keep things moving along.

• Gifts or money? In cases where couples have either been married before, or have been living together and come to the marriage with two of everything, they may request that gifts be in form of a cheque. The best way to do this is to enclose a note with the wedding invitation requesting that no gifts be sent but since you and Henry are saving to tile the bathroom, or put in a pool you would really appreciate a contribution towards this. Some may be offended, but if you have used the money for, and sending a photograph of the new kitchen or the tiled carport, most people will be pleased they were able to help in some way. You may also wish to put it towards your honeymoon.

• What’s the bridesmaid’s role? It is always an honour to be a part of your sister's or a close friend's wedding. However, if you’re asked to be a maid or matron of honour, and you don’t want to be, (or can’t afford to be) just say so tactfully. Financial arrangements of who pays for what will be individual - sometimes the bride will pay for the fabric and the bridesmaids will pay for the dressmaker (or make it themselves), or the bride may pay for the dress and the bridesmaids buy their own accessories. Much will depend on the bride and the size of her or her father’s chequebook.
  

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• What’s appropriate when marrying for the second time? For most couples marrying again, a wedding that is smaller and more intimate is usually deemed more suitable, but if one or both the couples had a small wedding the first time round, they may want to lash out on this one. It’s a personal choice, as is choosing to wear white, but most ‘deuxieme fois’ brides opt for pastels or floral. Veils are certainly inappropriate. If children are involved, try to include them to make them feel special but don’t force them if they are uncomfortable.

• Mobile phones? Leave them at home, in the car or turned off! The task of reminding guests to turn mobile off goes to the best man who can make an announcement to guests while they are waiting for the bride to arrive at the ceremony. He can remind them again at the beginning of the reception, or if an MC is in charge, pass the duty to him. But someone must do it!

• Is a going away outfit still considered the ‘done thing’? Depending on whether or not the bride and bridegroom are spending their first night of marriage in the hotel or reception house where the reception is being held, or are about to board a flight to Fiji, decide whether the bride changes into a going away outfit.

• What sort of wedding cake? Although the traditional wedding cake is a heavily iced and elaborately decorated fruitcake of one, two or three or more tiers, (the top tier is usually saved for the baptism of the first child) mud cakes, almond Madeira cakes and impressive white chocolate cakes are becoming popular. Many brides depart from tradition and choose a sugared almond creation, a croquembouche, which is very spectacular, or even an ice cream cake which can double as dessert and save on costs. A wedding cake made entirely of individual cup cakes is also stunning.

• Should you change your name after you are married? It is still traditional for brides to take their husband's surname once married. However many brides prefer to retain their maiden names, not only for professional reasons, but for their sense of self. Maybe consider a compromise with keeping your maiden name for work, but use his name when being introduced as a couple. Another alternative is to add his name to yours, giving you a hyphenated surname (which also makes it easy to drop so you can revert to your maiden name if the marriage doesn’t work out!)
  

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